Monday, June 24, 2013

It Never Gets Easier

I have lived a full life.  Not all good, not all bad.  I have made many mistakes, I have regrets.  I have things I am so glad I have done, things that I am so blessed and happy about.  I have, in my past, lived for years in retched sin running from God in deep despair.  I have been reborn, forgiven and redeemed, Praise be to God!

I have so many happy memories and some sad ones.  This is life. It is what it is.  These memories, these past days, the people I knew and paths I have walked, God has used to teach me, shape me, refine me and make me who I am.  I have many, many days of the year that bring such great joy and happy memories with them.  Like the day my children were born.  Or the day that we adopted some of them.  Holidays and anniversaries.  Most days truly in my life are days of joy.
I have a few days of the year that bring sorrow in remembering the day.  Like my moms birthday and the day she passed away.  But I have two days of the year.  Two.  That are very hard.  Those days are Tim's and my oldest daughter's birthday and day she passed away.  No matter how hard I try, I can not force joy on her birthday.  It is over shadowed with the fact she is not here anymore.  She has been gone to heaven for 13 years this year and still it never gets any easier.  Some times even the days leading up to one of these days is hard.  Just knowing it is coming.  Some years it is not as hard as others for some reason.  Some years it is as if it happened recently and it is all raw and floods back over me.  Some years we talk about her and remember her easily but always bathed in sorrow.  Sometimes someone will bring her up in conversation out of the blue when I have not prepared my heart to talk about her and it knocks the wind out of me and I am over whelmed with grief once again.

Some people are very understanding of loss and how hard it is, they love us and remember with us.  One friend often sends me a note of love and encouragement on these two very hard days.  She remembers and knows.  It always touches my heart deeply.  Bless her richly Oh Lord.  But most people don't even remember. 
I try to talk a lot with my children on Faith Anne's birthday. I bring out the photo albums and try to talk happily with my children about her.  Inside my heart hurts deeply.   My children that knew her, I dont want them to forget her.  The ones that never met her......she is still their sister and I want them to look forward to meeting her some day in heaven.  God is so good.  I try not to focus on the day she was born, about the day she passed away.  But it is so hard to push those awful memories aside when they are all connected. 

Grief is hard.  Very hard.  I try not to let it over whelm me.  But it is what it never gets easier.  Truly....God is the only one I have found that could handle my grief in this area.  He is the only one (and His Word) that has brought me comfort about that time in my life.  The only one who helps me through those two very hard days on the calendar each and every year for these 13 years.  He understands.  He knows.  When I start to spiral down into it all again....He reminds me, He lost His son.  He understands.  That this missing her is but for a moment, as life really is so short.  He reminds me that we were blessed to have her the time we did and that we will see her again.  That when we do her body and mind will be whole. 
Her life was so short.  But touched so many lives.  I am honored and blessed to have been her mother.  God used her birth, life and death to change so many hearts and lives.  My own included.  She was the first ever child with special needs in my care.  After she was in our home for one day....I knew....Tim and I knew....that we wanted to focus our lives on the care of children with special needs.  God used her to open our eyes about the plight of the many special needs children in the world that need homes and the love and support of God and a forever family.  I am forever grateful to God.  For all He has done for me.  Not only for salvation and all that is scrupual.  But for knowing that this little tiny baby girl would open up our hearts and minds and be the begining of something so much more.  I cringe to think of all the children DFCS called for us to take that we might have said no to, instead of yes had she not been our child.  Oh, the love of God.  The amazing wisdom and foreknowledge.  The way He has taken me and my family...A broken and empty vessel and made it something so much more once we totally gave our whole life to HIm to do what He wanted with it.  I will never regret it.  Never.  Our lives have been rich and full because we gave it to HIm to use and fill and do with it what He wished. 

We have seen miracles upon miracles we would have never witnessed or seen.  We would have never had the faith to walk thru the fire He has asked us to walk thru and come out the other side better and more blessed than we can explain.  We have lost all we had and been abundantly blessed back more than we can count or fathom.  Every hard step He has asked us to take He has faithfully picked us up and carried us through. 

Faith Anne is our oldest daughter.  Placed into our family by God.  For a huge and wonderful purpose.  This is the day, we celebrate, that she was born into this world, for such a purposeful,beautiful meaningful life.   We miss her so much now and always will every day we live.  Till we see her again, when we are caught up in the air and see Him face to face, in the twinkling of an eye. 

Happy 16th birthday Faith Anne.  We love you and you are always in our hearts and minds.  I can't wait to hug you again!!

Love Always and Forever,
Dad and mom

Revelation 21:4  And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.


  1. Oh Susan, gentle hugs and prayers. I am sure she is in a better place, but I also know that you would prefer she was still here with you. I have tears pouring down my face. This post was a wonderful testimonial. <3 <3 <3

  2. Thank you so much Julie. I really needed that. Just for anyone to value the life she lived and see the testimony of how God used her. We will always miss her more than words can say. May the Lord bless you and your family,