We have been really busy lately. I have spent a great deal of time outside getting the gardens up and going and the kids and I have enjoyed every moment of it. The weather over all has just been wonderful for the last few weeks. We have gotten a lot of rain but need it to bring the water table up before the Georgia summer heat hits.
I have had a lot of soil amending to do and many barrels and containers to fill, for planting, with good soil. So William and Zeke have done a lot of filling the tractor wagon with soil out of an old muck pile that had composted into some very rich soil. They have, over the last few weeks, brought me many tractor loads to our gardening area. One day I walked down to check on them while they were filling the tractor wagon. It is all the way on the other side of our property. As I approached, I saw them working diligently away. I could not believe it but heard a movie playing loudly while they worked. One they like to watch and had watched many times. I asked where it was coming from and William said in his pocket from his phone. I didn’t not know this but he had bought a movie, to down load on his phone?. (didn’t know that could even be done, see how tech savvy I am) All these weeks as they worked away they have been listening to movies! It just struck me as so funny and quite smart of them. I mean when I was told to go work, when I was a child, I was left to my own grumbling thoughts or at best I might be able to put my little red transistor radio in a tree branch and maybe get a bit of crackly music on some am band close by. Times have surely changed over the years!
Today, Tim and I are supposed to have our DFCS inspection. Please keep us in your prayers. That Gods hand will be all over it. I kind of feel like I am walking thru a dream. We got rid of all our baby/toddler items years ago. We have no furniture or clothing left in the house. No crib. I kept a very small tote of special baby toys that had special memories with them. I put it in our closet in case anyone ever came for a visit with a baby. That way we could pull it out to keep the baby occupied. We have used it many times over the years. I know this might sound strange but I had to remove all baby things from our home as seeing them brought me emotional pain. I thought our baby days were done yet my heart wanted more. I had to remove them in order to cope. I thought the Lord had closed the door to that in our lives. I know it is strange but I am just sharing my heart. The same thing has happened all these years when I would go shop. I have not been able to go into the baby area. It would be painful for me. When I would have to go in there to buy a baby gift for someone we knew having a baby, I dreaded going into that department to do it. As it would almost bring me to tears. From memories of losing my daughter to having many young foster children going back home into, often what I thought was not a good situation, brought me sadness deep inside. Then on top of that, feeling like we were done with having more children brought into our lives. It was very hard. I avoided that area like the plague.
Yesterday was our payday. On payday, whatever day it falls on, we don’t do schooling. The children and I load up in our huge van and go to town to pay bills and get groceries for the whole month. These errands take the whole day and the kids love it and look forward to it. While at the store I knew I had better get a few things in our home to have on hand ”in case”. You see when doing foster care you can get a call for a child at any time, day or night. Many, many times we got calls in the middle of the night and had children brought straight to our home in only a diaper, hair full of lice, no diaper bag or any supplies. We learned to have a few things on hand “just in case.” So I went into "that" section. "The section", and those feeling I always had over whelmed me a bit as I walked in and looked around for a few basic things like wipes and a small pack of medium diapers. I fought the tears as I looked around and priced a few things that we might need and could look for used, to get an idea of price. As I walked over and started looking at the clothing, all of a sudden I felt release and then peace. A good "warm all over my body" type of peace that I have not felt when in that section in years. Like I had a right or reason to be in there and was in there for a good purpose. I can’t explain it. To many this might seem small and simple. But to me it felt huge and I feel so much better. When I came home I actually started to feel like looking around in our home and making a few “just in case” plans in my mind. Thinking where to put a crib and such. It feels good and not painful anymore.
So today, I praise God for His healing of my heart, in this area, these few day before Mothers Day. For His mercy and grace. For salvation and the pleasure of serving Him in all we do. Please continue to keep Tim and I in your prayers. That we hear from God and stay in His will for us. Also please keep our home visit today in your prayers.
God is so good to us always and whether we do take in children again or not I am grateful to God, to not have sadness when I think on it now.
Deuteronomy 13:4 Ye shall walk after the Lord your God, and fear him, and keep his commandments, and obey his voice, and ye shall serve him, and cleave unto him.
May the Lord God in heaven heal the secret hurts of your heart as you seek His face and grow in Him,